Anyone got an ATTORNEY joke I have NOT heard?

[Ranger Bill]

The rules of golf are detailed and intricate. For example, there are special rules that call for penalty or relief regarding hazzards, natural and man-made obstacles, and loose impediments. So it a golfer hits his tee shot around the dogleg of a long par-five, and his ball lands into a fairway bunker that could not be seen from the tee, and upon arriving at and discovering his ball in the bunker, and that the ball lies within 12 inches of the head of a lawyer who is buried in sand up to his neck in the bunker, how do you call that? "Not enough sand."

[garyedolan]

Hey, hey! KW Driver & Ranger Bill delivered an attorney joke I had not yet heard. Surely, there must be more...

[Steadfast]

it was so cold last winter in that all the laywers

had their hands in their own pockets.

[Slowpoke]

The Medical Community has agreed to start using lawyers instead of rats in lab experiments for two reasons.

1. The lab assistants sometimes get attached to the rats.

2. There are some things you can't get a rat to do.

[Steadfast]

A Lawyer sitting in 1st class watched a blonde definately move into 1st class from economy. He overheard the stewardess tell the blonde she had a ticket for Houston in the economy section. The blonde ignored the stewardess. The stewardess got a pilot to talk to the blonde but still to no avail. The lawyer asked if he could help and the pilot said go ahead.
The lawyer whispered a few words in her ear and she got up and went back to economy. The pilot thanking the lawyer for his help went back to the cockpit.
The stewardess asked the lawyer what magic words did he say that got the blonde to go back to the economy section. The lawyer said I speak blondeese, I told the blond 1st class was going to Dallas & only economy was going to Houston.

[garyedolan]

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters who had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?
WITNESS: He said, 'Where am I, Cathy?'
ATTORNEY: And why did that upset you?
WITNESS: My name is Susan!
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: What gear were you in at the moment of the impact?
WITNESS: Gucci sweats and Reeboks.
____________________________________________
ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?
WITNESS: No, I just lie there.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?
WITNESS: Yes . ;
ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?
WITNESS: I forget.
ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you know if your daughter has ever been involved in voodoo?
WITNESS: We both do.
ATTORNEY: Voodoo?
WITNESS: We do.
ATTORNEY: You do?
WITNESS: Yes, voodoo.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?
WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?
____________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?
WITNESS: He's twenty, much like your IQ.
___________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?
WITNESS: Are you shitting me?
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?
WITNESS: Getting laid
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?
WITNESS: Yes.
ATTORNEY: How many were boys?
WITNESS: None.
ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?
WITNESS: Your Honor, I think I need a different attorney. Can I get a new attorney?
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
____________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?
WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.
ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?
WITNESS: Unless the circus was in town, I'm going with male.
_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?
WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.
______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?
WITNESS: All of them. The live ones put up too much of a fight.
________________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?
WITNESS: Oral.
_________________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?
WIT NESS : The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.
ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?
WITNESS: If not, he was by the time I finished.
____________________________________________



ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?
WITNESS: Are you qualified to ask that question?
______________________________________

And the best for last:

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?
WITNESS: No.
ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?
WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.
ATTORNEY: I see, but could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?
WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

[K.Ingraham]

Thank you Gary. More proof that no one writing fiction can possibly match real, live humanity.