Paraproskodians

[garyedolan]

Paraproskodians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now

[Lefty]

Has someone flung a challenge?

If these do not qualify, they come close to it:

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will want to use it.

When the going gets tough, everybody leaves.

The bigger they are, the harder they hit.

For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.

If the shoe fits, it's ugly.

An object in motion will be heading in the wrong direction.

An object at rest will be in the wrong place.

If you can keep your head when all about you are losing theirs, maybe you just don't understand the situation.

If you see a man approaching with the obvious intention of doing you good, you should run for your life.

The most important leg of a three legged stool is the one that's missing.

If you need n items of anything, you will have n-1 in stock.

If an experiment works, something has gone wrong.

Inside every small problem is a large problem struggling to get out.

[Jim]

Where there's a will, there is a lawyer to contest it.

[Steadfast]

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

Great idea, My relatives said not to put their names down.
I'm putting it on my phone.

I was ready to throw in my hat, but I wasn't wearing one.

[garyedolan]

The gauntlet, once cast, cannot be ignored:



There is no amount of good engineering that cannot be defeated by a masterful application of stupidity.



Friendly Fire isn’t.



Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of congress….but then I repeat myself.



I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.



Whatever hits the fan will not be distributed evenly.



Sometimes too much drink isn’t enough.



Kinky is using a feather. Perverted is using the whole chicken.



Suicidal twin kills sister by mistake !



My short-term memory is not as sharp as it used to be.
Also, my short-term memory's not as sharp as it used to be.



The statement below is true.
The statement above is false.



I may be schizophrenic,
but at least I have each other.



I am a Nobody.
Nobody is Perfect.
Therefore I am Perfect.



Then there was the dyslexic insomniac atheist

Who lay awake all night wondering if there really was a dog.



When you work here you can name your own salary.
I named mine "Fred".



Money isn't everything,
but it sure keeps the kids in touch.



Reality is only an illusion
that occurs due to a lack of alcohol.



Red meat is not bad for you…
Furry green meat is bad for you.



God does not believe in…

Atheists.



I want to die while asleep like my grandfather,
not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.

[cams]

Great thread Gary! These had me laughing out loud. In our team room we have a big dry erase board hanging up, and each of these quotes will make it up there as "The Qoute of the Week" to lighten the mood a bit.

[cams]

I have ADD and OCD, so everything has to be perfect, but only for a minute.

[IEDmagnet]

I'd be more apathetic, if I wasn't so lethargic.

[Lomack27]

Paraproskodians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently humorous. Winston Churchill loved them.

1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

13. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

17. I'm supposed to respect my elders, but it’s getting harder and harder for me to find one now

Thanks,
Lomack27

[Lomack27]

Two wrongs don't make a right, three lefts do.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.



Thanks,
Lomack27

[Jim]

War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit.. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, Notify:' I put 'DOCTOR'.

You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure..

To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I'm supposed to respect my elders, but its getting harder and harder for me to find one now.