McDonalds: the evil Empire?

[rgrokelley]

McDonalds... the true New World Order?

OK, it is time to unleash this.

The United States was never truly a world power until after WWI. True, we helped smack around some Germans in WWI, but we showed up late to that show, and the disastrous Treaty of Versailles just proves you can't let the French get in on any treaties.

So, WWII comes along, and in the end, no super powers are left, except the Evil Empire! A gap needed to be filled. The world could no longer tolerate a goverment ruled by men. It had to be ruled by a corporation, that would heroically step forward and put the world back on its feet. Since the end of WWII this corporation is McDonalds.

With its happy, shiny exterior, fronted by a happy clown, very few know how far down into the pit of hell this evil corporation will go to rule the world. You can forget the Trilateralists, or the Bildabergs.

Beware of the Clown!

The evidence to show proof of my theory is staggering. Every place that we have gone to war with since WWII did not have a McDonalds, or they abused the one that was there. Case in point, chronolgically...

Korea. This was the start of the McDonald's evil empire. Though WWII started the chain, both the Soviet Union and McDonald's worked with each other in an uneasy truce to rid the world of weinerschnitzel and riceballs. In the end, the communists enforced their totalitarian diets, and McDonalds the empire was created to block this threat. It is no coincidence that McDonalds franchise was created a year after the Korean cease fire went into effect. Due to the talks at Pan Mun Jon, the McDonald's thrived in South Korea, but satellite imagery of North Korea shows the landscape darkened, without a golden arches in sight.

Vietnam could have had a McDonalds, but the Viet Minh could not stomach the diet of cheese and snails forced upon them by the French. Their rebellion against such a pussy diet eventually led to a confrontation with the CLOWN! After numerous attempts at building a McDonald's in Hanoi ended in disaster, the US was led into the longest war in U.S. history. Though many think the war ended in 1975, it continued until McDonald's finally triumphed. With the opening of the Ho Chi Minh City McDonalds in 2008, relations with the United States has finally been regained.

Grenada had no McDonalds. Ronald Reagan (possibly relation to the OTHER Ronald) took advantage of a military coup to send in special operations forces to seize the airfield, and establish the Fast Food Franchise. Unfortunately this operation is looked down upon by many in the military community, due to US goverment incompetence, when they built the franchise in Grenada, Mississippi, and not on the Carribbean island. Since the invasion no other franchise has dared to enter onto the island, not even a Papa Johns.

In 1990 Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein decided to invade Kuwait to control the oil fields of that region. The United States did not mind what their former ally did. After all, Hussein did assist McDonalds when he continued the war against Iran. McDonalds has yet to forgive the Ayatollah for burning down the Tehran McDonalds and replacing it with a goat schwarma hut. However when Hussein's forces blew up the McDonalds, and to a lesser extent Kentucky Fried Chicken, he signed his death warrant. US troops massed on the border.

(author's note - KFC is considered a mere regional tasty treat, however the "Colonel" and his Mossad-like agents are feared throughout the known world. Many a dictator has been found "extra crispy". KFC denies all knowledge of any military operations, and when it is asked about possible nuclear weapons, the Colonel merely replies that it is "finger licking good")

With the overthrow of Saddam Hussein, Iraq has finally been set on a path of enlightenment. The golden arches are throughout the country, though they are still behind concrete fortifications due to the insurgency against fried foods.

Panama had a McDonalds, but Panamanian dictator, Manuel Noriega, attempted to replace them with a series of Burrito mobile carts. What happened next was inevitable. Noriega has been housed in a maxium Federal prison, being fed Big Macs for the reminder of his life.

The Soviet Union, once known as the Evil Empire, and the main threat to United States security, soon fell when the Russian people realized there was more to life than Borscht and Vodka. You can't supersize Borscht! Russia is now our friend, and has numerous McDonald franchises.

Communist China has also become more friendly to the United States after the famous Tienminh Square revolt. Chinese students were told that they couldn't have fries with "that", and the rest is history. Though the student revolt was crushed, the ruling party realized that it was only a matter of time. Restrictions were relaxed, and now the students can get a cheese burger whenever they wish, though only the Whopper junior is allowed by those who are not in the ruling party.

Though many have heard of the attacks on September 11th, few realized that the Islamic hijackers were aiming for the McDonald's on the corner of the World Trade Center complex. The terrorists attempted to attack the McDonalds around Washington, D.C., but could not find the Golden arches. Instead they hit the Pentagon, which the terrorist mistook for a food court in a Mall.

When it came time to take the war to the Islamic terrorists, the choice was easy.

Afghanistan had no McDonalds.

Saudi Arabia, though suspected of being in on the plot, had a McDonalds in Riyadh, and so was spared the wrath of the CLOWN!

So, who is next in line for this burger empire? All you need to do is look at the countries around the world, and find those that restrict or totally outlaw any franchises. To those dark areas of the planet, all can be said are beware, the Clown sees all.

(editors note: rumors of the nefarious rise of Ronald McDonald have proven to be untrue. Though RMc did have dealings with known criminals, such as the hamburgler, there is no truth to the rumor that he had disposed of Mayor McCheese and reduced him to hamburger. Even though no one has seen the mayor, or the hamburgler, in many, many years).

[rgrokelley]

Uhm... school's out. I have time on my hands.

[Ranger Bill]

You should submit this to the Wall Street Journal as an op-ed piece, or try the New York Times. The Times would probably run it on page one as news.

[Jim]

I for one, am in complete agreement. Concure.