Oaths of enlistment

[JB]

Wasn't sure if this had been posted before

U.S. ARMY OATH OF ENLISTMENT:

I, (state your name), swear to sign away 4 years of my mediocre life to the United States Army because I couldn't score high
enough on the ASVAB to get into the Air Force, because I'm not tough enough for the Marines, and the Navy won't take me
because I can't swim. I will wear camouflage everyday and tuck my trousers in my boots because I can't figure out how to use
blousing straps. I promise to wear my uniform 24 hours a day even when I have a date.

I will continue to tell myself I am a fierce killing machine because my Drill Sergeant told me I am, despite the fact that the only
action I will ever see is a court-martial for sexual harassment. I acknowledge the fact that I will make E-8 in my first year of
service, and vow to maintain that it is because I scored perfect on my PT test. After completion of sexual...er...I mean Boot
Camp, I will attend a different Army school once every other month and return knowing less than I did when I left.

On my first trip home after Boot Camp, I will walk around like I'm cool and propose to my 9th grade sweetheart. I will make my
wife stay home because if I let her out she might leave me for a smarter Air Force guy or a better looking Marine. Should she
leave me twelve times, I will continue to take her back. While at work I will maintain a look of knowledge while getting absolutely
nothing accomplished.

I will arrive at work everyday at 1000 hours because of morning PT and leave every day at 1300 to report back to the "company."
I understand that I will undergo no training whatsoever that will help me get a job upon separation, and will end up working
construction with my friends from high school. I will brag to everyone about the Army giving me $50,000 for college, but will be
unable to use any of it because I can't pass the placement exam. So help me God.

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U.S. AIR FORCE OATH OF ENLISTMENT:

I, (state your name), swear to sign 4 years of my useless life to the United States Air Force because I am too smart for the Army
and because the Marines frighten me. I swear to sit behind a desk and take credit for the work done by others more dedicated
than me who take their job seriously. I also swear to do no real form of exercise, but promise to defend our bike riding test as a
valid form of exercise.

I swear to uphold and defend the Constitution of the United States, even though I believe my self to above that.

I promise to walk around calling everyone by their first name because I know I'm really not in the military and I find it amusing to
annoy the other services. I will have a better quality of life than all those around me and will at all times be sure to make everyone
aware of that fact.

After completion of my <snicker> "Basic Training", and receiving a ribbon for it, I will be a lean mean, donut eating, lazy-boy
sitting, civilian-wearing-blue-clothes, chair-borne Ranger. I will believe I am superior to all others and will make an effort to clean
the knife before stabbing the next person in the back with it.

I will do no work unless some one is watching me (and it makes me look good), will annoy all those around me, and will go home
early every day. I consent to never getting promoted (ever) and understand that all those whom I made fun of yesterday will
probably outrank me tomorrow. So help me God.

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U.S. NAVY OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (state your name), in lieu of going to prison, swear to sign away 4 years of my life to the United States Navy because I want to
hang out with Marines without having to actually be one of them, because I thought the Air Force was too "corporate," and
because I thought "Hey, I like to swim....why not." I promise to wear clothing that went out of style in 1976 and have my name
stenciled on the butt of every pair of pants I own. I understand that I will be mistaken for the Good Humor man during the
summer, and for the Waffen SS during the winter.

I will strive to use a different language than the rest of the English-speaking world, using words like "deck, bulkhead, cover, and
head" instead of "floor, wall, hat, and toilet." I will take great pride in the fact that all Navy acronyms, rank and insignia, and
everything else for that matter, are completely different from the other services and make absolutely no sense whatsoever. I will
muster (what ever that is) at 0700 hours every morning unless I am buddy-buddy with the chief, in which case I will show up at
0930 hours. I vow to hone my coffee cup handling skills to the point that I can stand up in a kayak being tossed around in a
typhoon, and still not spill a drop.

I consent to being promoted and subsequently busted down at least twice per fiscal year. I realize that, once selected for Chief, I
am required to submit myself to the sick, and quite possibly illegal, whims of my new found "colleagues." So help me Neptune.

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U.S. MARINE CORPS OATH OF ENLISTMENT

I, (state your name), swear...uhhhhhhhhh...high-and-tight <grunt>...cammies...uhhhhh...complete
mission...ugh...beer...woman...OOORAH! So help me Corps. Semper Fi.

If I Am Ever the Hero's Sidekick

As Posted on the Funny Pages Mailing List and added to by Alice

(AKA The Ten or So Commandments of Staying Alive Until the Next Time Danger Threatens