Shit my Dad says

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PocketKings
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Shit my Dad says

Post by PocketKings »

So this kid has to move back home with his parents. He starts Twittering all of this random shit his dad spouts every day. Below are the last few weeks...

http://twitter.com/shitmydadsays" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false; on your dashboard

Shit My Dad Says

Jan 05 #"I’m just gonna be me and they can go fuck themselves … Don’t care, that’s the only attitude you can have when you go to the DMV."

Jan 01 #"Universe is 14 billion years old. Seems silly to celebrate one year. Be like having a fucking parade every time I take a piss."

Dec 28 #"Yes I got him a gift. He had a kidney stone. You piss a rock through your pecker, you deserve more than just a pat on the fucking back."

Dec 24 #"You can watch the house while I’m gone. Just don’t call me unless something’s on fire, and don’t screw in my bed."

Dec 20 #"Fine, let’s take a vote. Who wants fish for dinner? … Yeah, democracy ain’t so fun when it fucks you, huh?"

Dec 17 #"Mom is smarter than you … No? Well, ask yourself this: has Mom ever unknowingly had toilet paper hanging out of her ass? … Mom 1. You 0."

Dec 14 #"I like See’s candy. Put me in a See’s store, I’m eating candy. The whole world is Tiger’s See’s store, and the candy is vagina."

Dec 10 #"Pressure? Get married when you want. Your wedding’s just one more day in my life I can’t wear sweat pants."

Dec 07 #"We’re out of Grape Nuts … No, what’s left is for me. Sorry, I should have said ‘You’re out of Grape Nuts.’"

Nov 30 #"It’s never the right time to have kids, but it’s always the right time for screwing. God’s not a dumbshit. He knows how it works."

Nov 28 #"The whole world is fueled by bullshit… What? The kid asked me for advice on his science fair project so I’m giving it to him."

Nov 24 #"Everybody’s broke, so here’s the rule for Christmas this year: if you still shit your pants, you get a present. Otherwise tough shit."

Nov 21 #"We’re banned from the dog park. Well, I guess it’s okay to hump, and it’s okay to bark, but both at the same time freaks people out."

Nov 18 #"No. Tell ‘em we’re not doing Christmas dinner at a casino … Don’t be an ass about it, but tell them why it’s a fucking stupid idea."

Nov 16 #"I don’t need more friends. You got friends and all they do is ask you to help them move. Fuck that. I’m old. I’m through moving shit."

Nov 13 #"A mule kicked Uncle Bob once. Broke his ribs. He punched it in the face… My point? You have an ingrown fucking toenail. Stop bitching."

Nov 10 #"Remember this: you’re just a lucky fucking guy. If people start telling you your dick looks bigger, remember that it’s not."

Nov 09 #"You look just like Stephen Hawking … Relax, I meant like a non-paralyzed version of him. Feel better?… Fine. Forget I said it."

Nov 07 #"Mom and I saw a great movie last night…No, don’t remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."

Nov 04 #"Son, no one gives a shit about all the things your cell phone does. You didn’t invent it, you just bought it. Anybody can do that."

Nov 03 #"I hate paying bills … Son, don’t say ‘me too.’ I didn’t say that looking to relate to you. I said it instead of ‘go away.’"

Nov 01 #"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."

Oct 29 #"Nobody is that important. They eat, shit, and screw, just like you. Maybe not shit like you, you got those stomach problems."

Oct 28 #"You worry too much. Eat some bacon… What? No, I got no idea if it’ll make you feel better, I just made too much bacon."

Oct 26 #"If Mom calls, tell her I’m shitting… Son, marriage is about not having to lie about taking a shit."

Oct 25 #"I need to change clothes? Wow. That’s big talk coming from someone who looks like they robbed a Mervyn’s."

Oct 22 #"The baby will talk when he talks, relax. It ain’t like he knows the cure for cancer and he just ain’t spitting it out."

Oct 20 #"You sure do like to tailgate people… Right, because it’s real important you show up to the nothing you have to do on time."

My favorite: "I like the dog. If he can't eat it, or fuck it, he pisses on it. I can get behind that."
RS 01-00
82d (1-325 AIR) 99-00
101st (2-502d IN) 00-03

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rgrwest
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by rgrwest »

For those of you that know CSM (Ret) Bobby Lane....I swear to God he is the father in this...........
Rgrwest
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Boudicca
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by Boudicca »

I started out slow and reserved... by the end I was (hate to say it) laughing out loud. November 4th started the chuckles, October 28th got em rolling and by the 22nd, I was a goner.

(I hope my daughter doesn't write down my rantings) :shock:
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Ranger Bill
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by Ranger Bill »

A lot of that reminds me of myself.
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Richard Cranium
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by Richard Cranium »

Holy fuck that was hilarious! Reminds me of some of the senior NCO's I've had. I was in tears by the end of this and damn near choked to death on my breakfast taco...
"The way of the warrior is in training" ~Sun Tzu

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PocketKings
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by PocketKings »

I swear, I read these comments and about 6 senior NCO faces pop in my head. Nothing in life is funnier than an NCO on a rant. Just as long as you aren't on the recieving end of it, that is..
RS 01-00
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101st (2-502d IN) 00-03

elle
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by elle »

PocketKings wrote:
Nov 07 #"Mom and I saw a great movie last night…No, don’t remember the name. It was about a guy or, no, wait.. fuck, getting old sucks."
:lol: :lol: :lol:

Sounds like home :D

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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by ANGRYCivilian »

That was great.
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Jenny Lynn
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by Jenny Lynn »

PocketKings wrote: Nov 01 #"Oh please, you practically invented lazy. People should have to call you and ask for the rights to lazy before they use it."

Nov 1- Worked with and for quite a few of these myself :lol:


x's 2 what angrycivlian posted above... "these are great"

Jenny
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Flesh Thorn
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by Flesh Thorn »

Good read :lol:
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Boudicca
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by Boudicca »

Dec 07 #"We’re out of Grape Nuts … No, what’s left is for me. Sorry, I should have said ‘You’re out of Grape Nuts.’"

This one is becoming a cult favorite in our house now.
To be loved is to be fortunate, but to be hated is to achieve distinction.
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RIP 10-08 & RS 10-09

KW Driver
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by KW Driver »

rgrwest wrote:For those of you that know CSM (Ret) Bobby Lane....I swear to God he is the father in this...........

no damn way, it's too polite for him. and he had girls.
A Co & HHC 3/75 '93-'98.
RS 10-94.


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PocketKings
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by PocketKings »

Bump for the last 3 entries:

"Science and Mother Nature are in a marriage where Science is always surprised to come home and find Mother Nature blowing the neighbor."

"A parent's only as good as their dumbest kid. If one wins a Nobel Prize but the other gets robbed by a hooker, you failed."

"There's a word for people like that...No, I'm saying, there's a word and I don't know what it is. I'm not being fucking poetic."
RS 01-00
82d (1-325 AIR) 99-00
101st (2-502d IN) 00-03

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RangerX
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by RangerX »

Bump for this:

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Repeal the 16th, enforce the 10th.

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Slowpoke
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Re: Shit my Dad says

Post by Slowpoke »

My all time favorite:

"No, I'm not a pessimist. At some point the world shits on everybody. Pretending it ain't shit makes you an idiot, not an optimist."
10:14 AM Jan 19th via web
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