The Mall Ninja

Military Humor. Laugh at me. Laugh at you. Laugh at them.

Moderator: Site Admin

EvilCouch
Ranger
Posts: 2602
Joined: March 21st, 2006, 12:32 am

The Mall Ninja

Post by EvilCouch »

A pair of mall security guards living in their fantasy world stroking each other's egos.
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/

It just goes on and on! Holy shit, dude!

Some choice tidbits:
Yes we do have armored vehicles Lucy. We have armored GMC Yukons and Suburbans for executive protection. We have several Hummers with MG mounts for our two HK21Es, and two VERY special armored vehicles for more serious work, here’s a hint, the US Marine Corp has a 2 less in their inventory now.

We have been faced with several BGs with Anti-armor weapons. Usually it’s just surplus RPG7s but occationally something a bit more potent, like AT4s and one incident with a TowII.
But then again I think of the mayors nephew, his face distored with tears and terror, the GAP employees who asked for my autograph, and had to settle for a cover identity’s signature, the flashbangs, and their acrid scent, the small of napalm in the evening breeze, as I crouch behind a shopping cart in the parking lot, the target practice with my dearest comrades and friends, the members of my teams, and our live fire exercises-Can I leave it all behind? should I?

Or is my life better spent as the silent, alert, stalwart, invisible guardian of the free mall…

I cannot tell.
I was armed with a Glock17 (one of the first into the country, given to me by Gaston Glock personally in honor of my former black-ops experiences) and a Rem870P 14″bbl folder loaded with 000 magnums.On this particular fateful day my team was assigned to patrol Sector Zebra-1, the mall. It was an uneventful day, until the unthinkable happened…It was about 8:45PM, and the mall was closing and nearly empty. Me and my ’shadow’ were sweeping quadrant 069E, the mall arcade, a known hotspot for Asian Gangs and assorted thugs. The arcade was located at the far east end of the mall, next to the movie theater and the orange julius.I smelled trouble, and couldn’t spot any movement from the arcade, which was unusual due to the presence of a new Mortal Compact arcade game. Those Asians Gangs love Mortal Combat.I went to “condition red,â€
Clueless Joe(Sand hill): May 98 - May 99
Tabless Bitch (Bco 3/75): May 99 - May 01
REMF (11th Regt): May 01 - Feb 04
Leg Team/Squad leader (HHC 1-503, 2ID, OIF): Feb 04 - Dec 05
World's worst webcomic
User avatar
getoutatheway
Tadpole
Posts: 53
Joined: April 2nd, 2004, 11:37 pm

Post by getoutatheway »

Wholy Crap! lol that was fantastic. Im going to try to dig up some of those old cached threads.
I almost peed myself, and I definately needed to take a break to breath from laughing.

The really really sad thing is I know people like that, down at the local gun club and from the range. There was a guy at my local mall that was like that, I questioned him one day about his bullet proof vest and he said it was some blah blah blah whatever. I asked if I could take a look at it, he allowed me to take a poke at it and look at the collar. Apparently he didn't know the difference between a vietnam era flak vest and a bullet proof vest. I couldn't believe it.


Thank you for that, I needed a really good laugh.
ANGRYCivilian
Tadpole
Posts: 2143
Joined: July 16th, 2004, 9:02 am

Post by ANGRYCivilian »

[quote]Meanwhile, my ass is one the line so your fat butt can go to the mall and pick up the latest copy of “Computer Gaming Monthlyâ€
St Barbara's Bastards
82C1P

"Parole officer says I gotta upgrade, or he won't give me back my stabbin' knife!"~Roberto
User avatar
pellett2007
Tadpole
Posts: 182
Joined: April 16th, 2007, 8:12 pm

Post by pellett2007 »

The guy said he uses Shrikes in his mall....What use would a mall ninja Have for an Anti-Radiation Missile?


:roll: :roll: :roll: :roll:
Sometimes you feel tired, feel weak
When you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up
But you gotta search within you, find that inner strength

Mentee to Ranger Bill.
Basic: 12 September 2008, Fort Benning.
EvilCouch
Ranger
Posts: 2602
Joined: March 21st, 2006, 12:32 am

Post by EvilCouch »

Shoplifters using active radar, duh!
Clueless Joe(Sand hill): May 98 - May 99
Tabless Bitch (Bco 3/75): May 99 - May 01
REMF (11th Regt): May 01 - Feb 04
Leg Team/Squad leader (HHC 1-503, 2ID, OIF): Feb 04 - Dec 05
World's worst webcomic
User avatar
pellett2007
Tadpole
Posts: 182
Joined: April 16th, 2007, 8:12 pm

Post by pellett2007 »

When I watched Roadrunner I didn't really understand aerodynamics as well as I do now Ranger Tater Nuts, but if I did I might have.
Sometimes you feel tired, feel weak
When you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up
But you gotta search within you, find that inner strength

Mentee to Ranger Bill.
Basic: 12 September 2008, Fort Benning.
User avatar
pellett2007
Tadpole
Posts: 182
Joined: April 16th, 2007, 8:12 pm

Post by pellett2007 »

Ranger Tater Nuts,
My father always said it was the 2% rule, I guess I'm only about 8% off.
Ranger Evilcouch wrote:Shoplifters using active radar, duh!
If only they would switch to Passive Radar!
Sometimes you feel tired, feel weak
When you feel weak, you feel like you wanna just give up
But you gotta search within you, find that inner strength

Mentee to Ranger Bill.
Basic: 12 September 2008, Fort Benning.
User avatar
dirty1
Ranger
Posts: 241
Joined: December 12th, 2007, 3:07 pm

Post by dirty1 »

man I shouldn't have joined the army.
I could have gotten all the action I need as an elite retail security enforcement agent
Damn
I bet I could still apply and use my skills in close air support on the enemys of retail industry
B/2/1
3/75 02-07
RS 10-03

Thats the beauty of alcohol: if you don't remember it, it didn't happen!
User avatar
IEDmagnet
US Army Veteran
Posts: 969
Joined: June 7th, 2010, 4:48 am

Re: The Mall Ninja

Post by IEDmagnet »

Funny as hell.
A/3/505 PIR, 82nd 96-98
B/2/121 Inf, 48th BCT Iraq 05-06
B/1/118 Inf, 218th BCT Afghan 07

I'm not stupid, I'm crazy...there is a difference.
User avatar
centermass
Ranger Admin/RIP Ranger
Posts: 5895
Joined: February 26th, 2005, 11:32 am
Has thanked: 5 times
Been thanked: 8 times

Re: The Mall Ninja

Post by centermass »

MTRANGER wrote:Bump

I thought there was a better one, but this is all I can find it
http://lonelymachines.org/mall-ninjas/" onclick="window.open(this.href);return false;

My favorite:
I am a Master of three martial arts including ninjitsu, which means I can wear the special boots to climb walls.
:lol: :lol:
RS 8-81
Mentor to Rock2/75
US Army Retired 1977-1999

Remember, always be yourself....unless you're Batman. In that case, be Batman.
User avatar
Slowpoke
Ranger/Moderator
Posts: 7786
Joined: September 14th, 2003, 9:50 pm

Re: The Mall Ninja

Post by Slowpoke »

I think I have a new hero! :shock:

GECKO 45 WROTE:
Yeah Nancy, cry to the mods to kill the TRUTH. Just because you’re too much of a Sally to hear REAL men talk about REAL life experiences.

BTW A one time experiementation while in the military, does not make one a homosexual. It’s when you practice it daily, like yourself, that you become a homosexual.
I never wore a cape, but I still have my dog tags.

Experienced Peek Freak!!

173rd Abn LRRP...'66/'67
C/1/506 101st Abn
B/2/325 82nd Abn
Post Reply

Return to “Good Humor Popsicle Zone”