Lexophile

[Jim]

"Lexophile" is a word used to describe those that love using words in rather unique ways, such as "you can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish", or "to write with a broken pencil is pointless." A competition to see who can come up with the best one is held every year. This year's winning submission is posted at the very end.

- When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.
- A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
- When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.
- The batteries were given out free of charge.
- A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
- A will is a dead giveaway.
- With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.
- A boiled egg is hard to beat.
- When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
- Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
- Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.
- A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.
- When a clock is hungry it goes back four seconds.
- The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
- When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
- Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.
- Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

[Lefty]

Lots more out there running around loose:

I wondered why the baseball was getting larger, then it hit me.

A short fortune teller escaped from prison and became a small medium at large.

If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is it naked or homeless?

I went into a bookstore and asked the clerk where the Help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

If a deaf child signs swear words, does his mother wash his hands with soap?

Is a fly without wings called a walk?

Can an atheist get insurance against acts of God?

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Toulouse-Lautrec couldn't pay his bills because he was a little short.

An optician fell into a grinding machine and made a spectacle of himself.

[Jim]

1. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

2. She was only a whisky maker, but he loved her still.

3. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

4. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

8. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

9. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

10. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, 'You stay here, I'll go on a head.'

11. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

12. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

[Lefty]

When a man escaped from the mental hospital and raped a woman, the local news headline was "Nuts, Bolts and Screws"

At my college fraternity parties, everyone wanted to eat, drink, and make Mary.

[Jim]

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

[Lefty]

Can't help it - if someone jumps off a bridge in Paris, they are in-Seine, but if they jump off the Aswan Dam, they are in de-Nile.

[Jim]

A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

Thieves who steal corn from a garden could be charged with stalking.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles , U. C. L. A.

[Lefty]

The railroad man was sentenced to the electric chair for murder but had his sentence commuted when they learned he was a bad conductor.

The cannibal tribe was going to boil a missionary for dinner but stopped when they learned he was a Friar.

[Jim]

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.