MRE Dinner date

[rgrokelley]

Someone sent this to me.
Funny. It reminds me of the time after Desert Storm that I decided to cook a meal for my fiance, like we had in Saudi while living with the Saudi Border Patrol. It was pita bread, fool beans, and scrambled eggs, with a can of diced tomatoes thrown in the mix. Washed it down with hot sweet tea in shot glasses. She humored me, but I don't think I made any points that night.





MRE dinner date, the following is a true story... Told from the point of
view of a young Marine.



I had a date the other night at my place. On the phone the day before, the
girl asked me to "Cook her something she's never had before" for dinner.



After many minutes of scratching my head over what to make, I finally
settled on something she has DEFINITELY, definitely had never eaten before.



I got out my trusty case of MRE's. (Meal, Ready-to-Eat) Field rations that
when eaten in their entirety contain 3000+ calories in each meal.



Here's what I made:

I took three of the Ham Slices out of their plastic packets, took out three
of the Pork Chops, three packets of Chicken-a-la-king and eight packets of
dehydrated butter noodles and some dehydrated/rehydrated rice. I cooked the
Ham Slices and Pork Chops in one pan, sautéed in shaved garlic and olive
oil. In another pot, I blended the Chicken a-la-king, noodles, and rice
together to make a sort of mush that looked suspiciously like succotash. I
added some spices, and blended everything together in a glass pan that I
then cooked in the oven for about 35 minutes at 450 degrees.



When I took it out, it looked like, well, ham slices, pork chops, and a bed
of yellow poop. I covered the tops of the meat in the MRE cheese (kinda
like Velveeta) and added some green sprinkly things from one of my spice
cans (hey, if it has green sprinkly things on it, it looks fancy right? For
dessert, I took four MRE Pound Cakes, mashed 'em up, added five packets of
cocoa powder, powdered coffee cream, and some water. I heated it up and
stirred it until it looked like a sort of chunky gelatinous shit , and I
sprinkled powdered sugar on top of it.. Voila - Pudding!



For alcoholic drinks, I took the rest of my bottle of Military Special Vodka
(yes, they DO make a type of liquor named "Military Special"...it sells for
$4.35 per fifth at the Class Six) and mixed in four packets of "Electrolytes
- 1 each - Cherry flavored" (I swear, the packet says that). It looked like
an eerie Kool-Aid with sparkles in it (that was the electrolytes I guess...
Could've been leftover sand from Egypt).



I lit two candles, put a vase of wildflowers in the middle, and set the
table with my best set of Ralph Lauren Academy-series China (that stuff is
EXPENSIVE... My set of 8 place settings cost me over $600 on sale at the
Lejeune PX), and put the alcoholic drink in a crystal wine decanter.



She came over, and I had some appetizers already made, of MRE
spaghetti-with-meatballs, set in small cups. She saw the dinner, saw the
food, and said "This looks INCREDIBLE!!!"



We dug in, and she loved the food. Throughout the meal, she kept asking me
how long it took me to make it, and kept remarking that I obviously knew a
thing or two about cooking fine meals. She kind of balked at the make-shift
"wine" I had set out, but after she tried it I guess she liked it because
she drank four glasses during dinner.



At the end of the main course, when I served the dessert, she squealed with
delight at the "Chocolate mousse" I had made. Huh? Chocolate what? Okay...
Yeah... It's Chocolate Moose. Took me HOURS to make... Yup!



Later on, as we were watching a movie, she excused herself to use my rest
room. While she was in there, I heard her say softly to herself "uh oh" and
a resounding but petite fart punctuated her utterance of dismay. Let the
games begin. She sprayed about half a can of air freshener (Air Freshener,
1 each, Orange scent. Yup. The military even makes smell-good) and
returned to the couch, this time with an obvious pained look.



After 10 more minutes she excused herself again, and retreated to the
bathroom for the second time, I could hear her say, "What the hell is WRONG
with me???" as she again sent flatulent shockwaves into the porcelain bowl.
This time, they sounded kinda wet, and I heard the toilet paper roll being
employed, and again, LOTS more air freshener.



Back to the couch. She smiles meekly as she decides to sit on the chair
instead of next to me. She sits on my chair, knees pulled up to her chest,
kind of rocking back and forth slightly. Suddenly, without a word, she
ROCKETED up and FLEW to the bathroom, slammed the door, and didn't come out
for 30 minutes.



I turned the movie up because I didn't want her to hear me laughing so hard
that tears were streaming down my cheeks. She came out with a slightly gray
pallor to her face, and said "I am SOOOOOO sorry. I have NO idea what is
wrong with me. I am so embarrassed; I can't believe I keep running to your
bathroom!!" I gave her an Imodium AD, and she finally settled down and
relaxed.



Later on, she asked me again what I had made for dinner, because she had
enjoyed it so much. I calmly took her into the kitchen and showed her all
the used MRE bags and packets in the trash can. After explaining to her
that she had eaten roughly 9,000 calories of "Marine Corps Field Rations"
she turned stark white, looked at me incredulously, and said "I ate 9,000
calories of dehydrated food that was made 3 years ago?"



After I admitted it, she grabbed her coat and keys, and took off without a
word. She called me yesterday. Seems she couldn't crap for 5 days, and
when she finally did, the smell was so bad, her roommate could smell it from
down the hall. She also told me she had been working out nonstop to combat
the high caloric intake, and that she never wanted me to cook dinner for her
again, unless she was PERSONALLY present and supervising.



It was a fun date. She laughed about it eventually and said that that was
the first time she'd ever crapped in a guy's house on a date. She'd been so
upset by it she was in tears in the bathroom while I had been in tears on
the couch.



I know... I'm an asshole, but it was still a funny night.

[al_2ndWolfhounds]

Now that is funny!

[Rgr West]

I'm sore from laughing so hard. Just what I needed today.

[RANGER513]

Yeah............but was she hot !!!!?????



















Ya know SOMEBODY just had to ask.

[Jim]

Another thread that's useless without photos.