women's personal ads 2

T0000009 · Post by **T0000009** » January 12th, 2005, 2:05 pm

Translation of common phrases from woman-speak into English.
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Woman-speak: "Of course I don't mind if you..."
English: "You bet your fucking arse I DO mind. Go ahead, you WILL pay later..."

Woman-speak: "Do you like it?"
English: "Fucker, if you do NOT notice my new hairstyle/shoes/mail order catalogue/wall paper/trashy little knicknack/ you are fucking DEAD!

Woman-speak: "You are an asshole"
English: "I will be fucking your brains out in 5 minutes"

Woman-speak: "Do you remember when you got me this?"
English: "I KNOW you don't remember, you cunt, I'm just enjoying seeing you sweat..."

Woman-speak: I don't love you any more.
English: You are broke, out of work, AND I'm fucking somebody else now...

Woman-speak: "We need to talk."
English: "I need to waste your time."

Woman-speak: "We need to talk."
English: "I need to cut your balls off and tell you for the 1,000th time how you do not live up to my standards and nag you eternally and try to change you because I am a shrewish cunt. This will undoubtedly give me a stress headache - you won't be getting any pussy tonight."

Women-speak: "I'm tired."
English: "I'm blaming you unfairly for my weight gain and my self-image problems, and you won't be getting any pussy tonight."

Woman-speak: "Let's just meet for coffee."
English: "You won't be getting any pussy tonight."

Woman-speak: "Oh, I don't care what we do."
English: "Even if you read my mind and figure out exactly what I want, the odds of you getting any pussy tonight are 115:1."

Woman-speak: "You like that football sweatshirt because you went to school there, right?"
English: "I tell all my friends you dress like a fucking slob and I'll be engaging in my manipulative 'you need to wear what I say is good or you won't get any pussy tonight' behavior soon."

Woman-speak: "Are you going to wear that shirt to the wedding?"
English: "I know these are the clothes I fell in love with you in, but now that I want to own you, they just won't do. Being the bossy cunt that I am, I need to re-do your entire wardrobe. I'll be too tired tonight from shopping to suck your dick for the next 15 years."

Woman-speak: "Do I look fat in this?"
English: " I need CREDIBLE reassurance that I am NOT a 350lb MacDonalds hog, with a sagging gut and dropping ass..."

Woman-speak: "I love you"
English: "You are quite a good fuck, and are solvent. My pussy is yours until something better comes along."
English (alternative): "I want something from you."

Woman-speak: "How thoughful of you!"
English: "Pussy whipped asshole, you are gonna have to do a LOT better than that to get some this year, let alone tonight. Suck up HARDER!"

Woman-speakS: Are you coming to bed now?
English: I'm going to tease you with sex to get you to drop whatever you're doing, come up stairs, and cuddle me, but you're still not getting any pussy.

Woman-speak: "You are not the man I married"
English: "In spite of years of manipulation, ridicule and doing my best to mind fuck you on a daily basis to change you into what I want, you have resisted me. Fuck you, no more sex, get out of my life..."

Woman-speak: "I do"
English: "No more blowjobs"

Woman-speak: "I can't find a good man to marry"
English: "I wasted my life focusing on my hate for men, and now I am fucked, the women's movement has destroyed my life"

Vee · Post by **Vee** » January 12th, 2005, 2:10 pm

Woman-speak: "You are not the man I married"
English: "In spite of years of manipulation, ridicule and doing my best to mind fuck you on a daily basis to change you into what I want, you have resisted me. Fuck you, no more sex, get out of my life..."

Not funny. True.

Creeping Death · Post by **Creeping Death** » January 12th, 2005, 2:54 pm

Another one I've heard:

Woman: I love you but I'm not IN love with you.
English: I've always been psychotic, but I have finally had a total meltdown. I'm so fucked up in the head I don't know whether to shit or go blind, scratch my clock or wind my ass. My parents fucked my brain up from childhood, and now a lifetime of denial has kicked my teeth in. And the high priced shrink you have paid for me to see for the past year and a half has finally convinced me that YOU are to TRUE source of my lifelong psychosis. Therefore, I intend on hurting you just enough to get you to let me wallow in my fucked-upedness while trying to take the chickenshit way out so that I can feel better about myself. My shrink said it would work. Oh, and no more pussy for you. It makes it hard to deal with my exhorberant lack of self esteem, which will surely improve once you leave.

The Goddamn bitch was a case study in crazy, boys. No shit.

Ardent Lady · Post by **Ardent Lady** » January 12th, 2005, 3:23 pm

Ranger T0000009, you are on a roll today! These are funny, but are you sure you don't need some squared away Sisters to come cheer you up?

We could come and make sure you get somethng way above average tasty for dinner and then sit with you and watch a movie with lots of explosions and stuff. After that, well, that is Straight Shooter's department more than mine, but you could maybe get bacon and eggs for breakfast and go off to work feeling a bit more, ummm, manly.

mipuke · Post by **mipuke** » January 13th, 2005, 2:03 am

Woman-speakS: Are you coming to bed now?
English: I'm going to tease you with sex to get you to drop whatever you're doing, come up stairs, and cuddle me, but you're still not getting any pussy.

Isn't that the truth!

My answer always has been: Am I going to get some?

lawdog · Post by **lawdog** » January 13th, 2005, 3:46 am

Creeping Death wrote:Another one I've heard:

Woman: I love you but I'm not IN love with you.
English: I've always been psychotic, but I have finally had a total meltdown. I'm so fucked up in the head I don't know whether to shit or go blind, scratch my clock or wind my ass. My parents fucked my brain up from childhood, and now a lifetime of denial has kicked my teeth in. And the high priced shrink you have paid for me to see for the past year and a half has finally convinced me that YOU are to TRUE source of my lifelong psychosis. Therefore, I intend on hurting you just enough to get you to let me wallow in my fucked-upedness while trying to take the chickenshit way out so that I can feel better about myself. My shrink said it would work. Oh, and no more pussy for you. It makes it hard to deal with my exhorberant lack of self esteem, which will surely improve once you leave.

Do you know my ex-wife? I swear to fucking God you hit the nail right on the head with my ex. How'd you do that? It's freaking spooky. I won't sleep tonight.

Rock Island Ranger · January 13th, 2005, 3:31 pm

Ardent Lady wrote:Ranger T0000009, you are on a roll today! These are funny, but are you sure you don't need some squared away Sisters to come cheer you up?

We could come and make sure you get somethng way above average tasty for dinner and then sit with you and watch a movie with lots of explosions and stuff. After that, well, that is Straight Shooter's department more than mine, but you could maybe get bacon and eggs for breakfast and go off to work feeling a bit more, ummm, manly.

English: And we will try to manipulate you, change your attitude and make you sorry you posted that female insult and in the end,....well...you aint gettin shit....AGAIN!

T0000009 · Post by **T0000009** » January 13th, 2005, 11:54 pm

Ardent Lady: I could always use a little love from the ladies, epecially the ones who like yourself understand the real needs of a Ranger....Drop me a line baby and we'll discuss night time operations.....

Abell9: You DA MAN!! , Loved the latest sermon a real killer.

blueskiesalways · Post by **blueskiesalways** » January 14th, 2005, 9:58 am

WHEN MEN SAY:

"What did I do this time?"
Really means.... "What did you catch me at?"

"I was just thinking about you, and got you these roses."
Really means.... "The girl selling them on the corner was a real babe."

It's a really good movie."
Really means...."It's got guns, knives, fast cars, and beautiful women."

Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means...."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."

"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works.

"You know how bad my memory is."
"Really means.... "I remember the theme song to 'F Troop', the address of the first girl I ever kissed and the Vehicle Identification Numbers of every car I've ever owned, but I forgot your birthday."

"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means....Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response.

"It's a guy thing."
Really means...."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."

Female to Male Translation

What a woman says:
"This place is a mess! C'mon,
you and I need to clean up,
Your stuff is lying on the floor
and you'll have no clothes to wear,
if we don't do laundry right now!?"

What a man hears:
blah, blah, blah, blah, C'MON
blah, blah, blah, blah, YOU AND I
blah, blah, blah, blah, ON THE FLOOR
blah, blah, blah, blah, NO CLOTHES
blah, blah, blah, blah, RIGHT NOW

touche...

Ardent Lady · Post by **Ardent Lady** » January 16th, 2005, 6:17 pm

T0000009 wrote:Ardent Lady: I could always use a little love from the ladies, epecially the ones who like yourself understand the real needs of a Ranger....Drop me a line baby and we'll discuss night time operations.....

:)