The Chili

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TheREMF
Ranger
Posts: 52
Joined: July 12th, 2008, 1:21 am

The Chili

Post by TheREMF »

Got this from my brother.

I went grocery shopping recently while not being altogether sure that course of action was a wise one. You see, the previous evening I had prepared and consumed a massive quantity of my patented "You're definitely going to $h!t yourself" chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of being painful, which comes with a written guarantee from me that if you eat the next day both of your ***** cheeks WILL fall off.

Here's the thing. I had awakened that morning, and even after two cups of coffee (and all of you know what I mean) nothing happened. No "Watson's Movement 2". Despite habanera peppers swimming their way through my intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable to create the usual morning symphony referred to by my next door neighbors as thunder and lightning.
Knowing that a time of reckoning had to come, yet not sure of just when, I bravely set off for the market; a local Wal-Mart grocery store that I often haunt in search of tasty tidbits. Upon entering the store at first all seemed normal. I selected a cart and began pushing it about dropping items in for purchase. It wasn't until I was at the opposite end of the store from the restrooms that the pain hit me.

Oh, don't look at me like you don't know what I'm talking about. I'm referring to that "Uh oh, gotta go" pain that always seems to hit us at
the wrong time. The thing is, this pain was different.
The habaneras in the chili from the night before were staging a revolt. In a mad rush for freedom they bullied their way through the small intestines, forcing their way into the large intestines, and before I could take one step in the direction of the restrooms which would bring sweet relief, it happened. The peppers fired a warning shot.

There I stood, alone in the spice and baking aisle, suddenly enveloped in a noxious cloud the likes of which has never before been recorded. I was afraid to move for fear that more of this vile odor might escape me. Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed to leave the lower part of my body, and I began to move up the aisle and out of it, just as an elderly woman turned into it.

I don't know what made me do it, but I stopped to see what her reaction would be to the malodorous effluvium that refused to dissipate, as she walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever been torn in two different directions emotionally? Here's what I mean, and I'm sure some of you at least will be able to relate.

I could've warned that poor woman but didn't. I simply watched as she walked into an invisible, and apparently indestructible, wall of odor so terrible that all she could do before gathering her senses and running, was to stand there blinking and waving her arms about her head as though trying to ward off angry bees. This, of course, made me feel terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.

Here's the thing. When you laugh, it's hard to keep things "clamped down", if you know what I mean. With each new guffaw an explosive issue burst forth from my nether region. Some were so loud and echoing that I was later told a few folks in other aisles had ducked, fearing that someone was robbing the store and firing off a shotgun.

Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT was coming, and I raced off through the store towards the restrooms, laying down a cloud the whole way, praying that I'd make it before the grand mal assplosion took place.

Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of time I got to the john, began the inevitable "Oh my God", floating above the toilet seat because my *** is burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow walked in while I was in the middle of what is the true meaning of "Shock and Awe". He made a gagging sound, and disgustedly said, "Sonofabitch!", then quickly left.

Once finished I left the restroom, reacquired my partially filled cart intending to carry on with my shopping when a store employee approached me and said, "Sir, you might want to step outside for a few minutes. It appears some prankster set off a stink bomb in the store. The manager is going to run the vent fans on high for a minute or two which ought to take care of the problem."

That of course set me off again, causing residual gases to escape me. The employee took one sniff, jumped back pulling his shirt up to cover his nose and, pointing at me in an accusing manner shouted, "IT'S YOU!", then ran off returning moments later with the manager. I was unceremoniously escorted from the premises and asked none too kindly not to return.

Home again without having shopped, I realized that there was nothing to eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two more bowls. The next day I went to shop at Albertson's. I can't say anymore about that because we are in court over the whole matter. Bastards claim they're going to have to repaint the store..
The REMF
HHC 2/75th 92-94

"Government is not reason; it is not eloquent; it is force. Like fire, it is a dangerous servant and a fearful master." George Washington

"Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy." Benjamin Franklin
Ranger Ron
Ranger/LRRP/Admin
Posts: 8306
Joined: June 22nd, 2006, 8:47 am

Re: The Chili

Post by Ranger Ron »

Yes, that's an old one, but like a bowl of chili, it gets better as it sits there! :mrgreen:
SUA SPONTE - "We few, we happy few, we BAND OF BROTHERS;
for he today that sheds his blood with me shall be my brother!"
- Shakespeare

RLTW! - Land of the Free BECAUSE of the Brave

RS 3-70
SSG VN 69-70
I Co., 75th. Inf.
4/9 Inf., 25th ID

Mentored Ranger kozzman555
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panthersix
Ranger
Posts: 2888
Joined: June 14th, 2008, 4:27 pm

Re: The Chili

Post by panthersix »

sounds like the time one of my kids set off the pepper spray in the grocery store.....
Doc Mac
Ranger Class 11-80
C.Co. WPNS 1/75 79-81
3rd Plt/498th Medevac 81-82
104th LRSD 92-93
422d CA BN (A) 94-97
118th ASOS 02-08
User avatar
IEDmagnet
US Army Veteran
Posts: 969
Joined: June 7th, 2010, 4:48 am

Re: The Chili

Post by IEDmagnet »

Good job, I see the private lessons with Chemical Ali paid off... wonderful return on your investment. :mrgreen:
A/3/505 PIR, 82nd 96-98
B/2/121 Inf, 48th BCT Iraq 05-06
B/1/118 Inf, 218th BCT Afghan 07

I'm not stupid, I'm crazy...there is a difference.
panthersix
Ranger
Posts: 2888
Joined: June 14th, 2008, 4:27 pm

Re: The Chili

Post by panthersix »

My HH6 is not the sharpest knife in the drawer, the kid was teething so she gave her the car keys to knaw on while she was shopping. The HH6 forgot that she had a pepper spray bottle on the key chain......
Doc Mac
Ranger Class 11-80
C.Co. WPNS 1/75 79-81
3rd Plt/498th Medevac 81-82
104th LRSD 92-93
422d CA BN (A) 94-97
118th ASOS 02-08
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merlyn
Tadpole
Posts: 204
Joined: February 26th, 2010, 7:55 am

Re: The Chili

Post by merlyn »

Fantastic story....loved it.
By the way, Ranger REMF,
I recall the time when we
had to medivac a certain
REMF to the battalion aid
station because he stapled
his finger to his ever so
important paperwork. :lol:
Haaaaahaaaaahaaaaahaaaa
507th Air Ambulance
21st Field Evac Hospital
41st MASH
Walter Reed Army Medical Center
Brook Army Medical Center

I have slipped the surely bonds of Earth; put out my hand and touched the face of God.

To give less than your best is to sacrafice the gift.
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