One liners.

[ski20]

I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

We live in a society where pizza gets to your house before the police.


Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.

My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch.

Fighting for peace is like fucking for virginity.

If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.

If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of payments.

How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire

A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don't need it.

Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?

Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it...so I said "Implants?"

The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.

Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?

Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live

Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.

When in doubt, mumble.

I intend to live forever. So far, so good.

Jesus loves you, but everyone else thinks you're an asshole.

I should've known it wasn't going to work out between my ex-wife and me. After all, I'm a Libra and she's a bitch.

You're never too old to learn something stupid.

I got in a fight one time with a really big guy, and he said, "I'm going to mop the floor with your face." I said, "You'll be sorry." He said, "Oh, yeah? Why?" I said, "Well, you won't be able to get into the corners very well."

Does this rag smell like chloroform to you?

Virginity is like a soapbubble, one prick and it is gone.

If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child.