A paraprosokian

[garyedolan]

Gentlemen:
FYI, before the world was flat (then not), there were paraprosokians. These little critters have survived to infect many a bleak-minded soul. If you’re in “huh?” mode, check out:http://www.uky.edu/AS/Classics/rhetoric.html or simply realize: "A paraprosokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation."
For example: "Where there's a will, I want to be in it,' is a type of paraprosdokian.
Please have one or two or thirty or more:
1. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on my list.

3. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.

5. We never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

6. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.

7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

8. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good Evening,' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.

9. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

10. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

11. I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

12. Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, 'In case of emergency, notify:' I put 'DOCTOR.'

13. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.

14. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.

15. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.

16. A clear conscience is the sign of a fuzzy memory.

17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.

18. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.

19. There's a fine line between cuddling and holding someone down so they can't get away.

20. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not so sure.

21. You're never too old to learn something stupid.

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

23. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

24. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

25. Going to a synagogue or a church doesn't make you any more religious than standing in a garage would makes you a car.

26. A diplomat is someone who tells you to go to hell in such a way that you look forward to the trip.

27. Hospitality is making your guests feel at home even when you wish they were.

28. I always take life with a grain of salt. Plus a slice of lemon, and a shot of tequila.

29. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.

Words of Wisdom

"The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese."

For more: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Paraprosdokian

http://www.englishforums.com/content/hu ... okians.htm

http://data.grammarbook.com/blog/humor/ ... sentences/

OK, still more? http://www.evolver.net/user/soultravell ... _sentences

And one more (sorry, no fancy Latin-accompanying pistol-work): : )
Laudandus, ornandus, tollendus. Cicero on Octavian -- He must be praised, decorated ... and tolerated.

And, finally, here’s an unrelated but hopefully interesting, militarily historical tidbit:
John J. Pershing was nicknamed “Black Jack,” because, during the late-stage Indian Wars in 1895, he had commanded African American Buffalo Soldiers.

[Earthpig]

I like this one:
"17. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice."

RLTW
EP

[Steadfast]

22. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.

Here's my chance at an excuse - doesn't pay to lie.

Gary, these all are a great read. Thanks Brother.

[rgrokelley]

And, finally, here’s an unrelated but hopefully interesting, militarily historical tidbit:
John J. Pershing was nicknamed “Black Jack,” because, during the late-stage Indian Wars in 1895, he had commanded African American Buffalo Soldiers.

Actually he was called "My Mom has sex with Donkey's Jack" in derision by other white officers when commanding Black soldiers, notably at San Juan (the one with Teddy Roosevelt). When he got to be a general no one dared to call him "My Mom has sex with Donkey's Jack" anymore, so they cleaned it up.

He didn't mind either way.

Edit... if this doesn't make a lick of sense, see following responses.

[C-MAC]

- Getting older is no problem. You just have to live long enough.

- A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.

Paraprosokians defined Groucho Marx.

[K.Ingraham]

Brilliant. I can see taglines being lifted from this post for decades to come. :D
I'm plagerizing a few for ammo at the next department meeting.

[rgrokelley]

And, finally, here’s an unrelated but hopefully interesting, militarily historical tidbit:
John J. Pershing was nicknamed “Black Jack,” because, during the late-stage Indian Wars in 1895, he had commanded African American Buffalo Soldiers.

Actually he was called "My Mom has sex with Donkey's Jack" in derision by other white officers when commanding Black soldiers, notably at San Juan (the one with Teddy Roosevelt). When he got to be a general no one dared to call him "My Mom has sex with Donkey's Jack" anymore, so they cleaned it up.

He didn't mind either way.

Cute... so you cannot type in the "N" word in even a historical context. The "N" word was not used to show derision to any one race, but to show that one man... Pershing... ignored the racist over tones and wore it like a badge.

Editing history, to show some sort of political correctness, not only smacks of the evil revisionism used by tyrants, but it also is fucking pussy way to go in a Ranger world.

I am going to leave the edit from "N" word Jack to "my mom has sex with Donkey's" Jack, so that those on here will understand where I'm coming from.

Pussy, cowardly move there editor.

[Steadfast]

Your response is in MOJO.

[rgrokelley]

Your response is in MOJO.

To clear this up for non-mojo folks...there is an automatic filter that will replace certain words with other words. So the "N" word becomes My mother has sex with donkeys. No Ranger changed my post. The computer did it on its own.